So I thought to compose a story including a ton of inside jokes... and of course a fair share of pure randomness - à la Sophie!
*WARNING! The following is a pile of random crap not suitable for expectant mothers, people with heart conditions or high blood pressure, people with back/neck injuries or people with any other condition that could be aggravated by this
Drum-roll, please!
It's the awkward moment when the Dark Lord (aka Voldemort) before killing you, confesses that he buttf*cked your dead mother and proceeds to laugh like a retarded ... snake? I suppose that's what he's meant to be? Well anyways he kinda laughs like this: 'NEEheHEEE!!' Then you realize that the only way to escape death is by crawling along the fluffy carpet, but you're just not talented, not like Tartifarty. Es liegt alles an deinem Arsch und du kannst nichts daran ändern! Und übrigens, du hast da voll den Fluff! Looks like the only way out is to get a snack in form of a CHICKEN and regain your strength. You're finally able to stand up and walk away from the slightly baffled Voldemort, who strangely enough resembles Justin Bieber! You think to yourself... he looks stoned - just like Justin Bieber! Suddenly a random creature appears from behind a bush and asks: 'Wanna hear a joke??' You see do harm in this and reply: 'Sure.' '...SQUIRREL!!! ...Well done, you can handle the pinecone!!' You are ever so slightly confused by this randomness and distracted by the creature's appearance... it looks very much like a midget Chinese-posh-chav person. You're not quite sure how that works either. Before you are able to inspect the gnome-like, posh-chavy-thing it has already disappeared again. Meanwhile Supercucumber took care of Voldemort - he won't bother you again! You continue walking through these woods you found yourself in and get to a lake you discover to be full of turtles. Instantly a question pops to your mind: 'Can turtles fart??' After thorough consideration you decide to ask your German principal at school when you finally get out of this forest. One of the turtles approaches you slowly and opens its mouth. To your utter surprise it starts reciting extremely depressing poems. 'The air gets icy. The hair on the back of my neck stand. I never believed this before. Never thought I would. But after being here for this long, I have come to notice, I’m not alone. They scream in my ear.' All you reply is 'cooleo' and since this is just way too creepy, you start running away from the turtle. It exclaims 'BUT I AM A GHOST! DON'T PUSH ME INTO THE SHADOWS!!', however you ignore it and keep on running. You didn't realise that this racket had aroused the herd of hippos grazing nearby. They all start chasing you angrily, prolly 'cause of some unfinished business involving one of the female hippos and her friend not being very happy with you...? The only way you are able to distract them is by breaking out into Octopus-Dancing. Luckily it worked and you seek refuge under a large tree. Don't ask me how that would help in any way, it's your stupidity - not mine! All you know is that you don't want to get stuck in a Hoopadoopa, because last time that happened all you could hear was WHOOOOOSH - and there went another giraffe. So you stand there waiting for sunny weather when you see the oddest thing. There goes a warthog hand in hand with a troll, casually walking past not taking any notice of you. Suddenly they stop, one flies off and the other teleports away. You're left more confused than ever... and for some reason have the incredibly random craving for blueberries! This calls for immediate action - you need to get back home! You look around a little and actually this place looks pretty familiar! It's your local mall! You are saved! (and yes, the randomness of this story allows random illogical things to happen) You can find your way back home now! As you start walking you notice stepping on something - it's a book! You pick it up... looks like a diary with a drawing of Paris and the Eiffel Tower on it. Since it looks rather interesting you open it, nosy as you are, and find pages and pages full of pictures of this guy... and lipstick prints all over them. Pretty odd you're thinking, and there are random captions underneath them like 'Dubstep became crep' or 'He always says he'll be back but never does come back!!' You close the book and throw it in the nearest bin, you've had enough of weird things today! But little do you know that it's gonna get even wairder pretty soon! As you step out of the mall it starts raining.... it starts raining MEN! Shame you forgot you're man-umbrella. The thing is, it is raining FAT men! This means you gotta make a run for it. The men that rain down have name tags on them, some of them read 'Jenna', 'Bruder', 'Günther', 'Mr.Perv', 'Feminine', 'Zwilling', 'Hans', 'Hippo-boy', 'b. Sopha', or 'Frankferter'. You get distracted reading the tags and don't realize that another fat man is about to descend on you. Next thing you know, or more like don't know, is that you are knocked out underneath his layers of fat, new ones sprouting periodically. That fatty was labeled 'Lauren'. You wake up in your living room, which is decorated festively. There is a banner on the wall saying 'Welcome back to the awkward-fest that is your life!' One guest at this rather extraordinary party exclaims 'Let's all hold hands!!! Bob Dylan is dead!!' '...Bob Dylan is dead? When did that happen? I had tickets to his tour!!', you think to yourself. You are being torn out of your deep thought processes by your brother busting through the door. He shouts 'Sorry I'm late, but somebody turned the cursor into a self-peeling banana!' He adds a strange arm movement and sounds terribly British. You're beyond the point of confused and ask what in the world is going on? The unanimous reply you get is 'This is a party to celebrate you're pregnancy! You're carrying the child of one named Rory and one name George! It will be called RORGE! Oh, and as a present we got you this limited edition of 'How To Read Signals for Dummies!' You are gobsmacked and unable to think clearly. How is this possible?! - But you're actually pretty happy about that present. You sit down and all you can say is 'Wlel this is ... pretty awesome possum!' However your head aches and all that can offer any consolation is a handful of blueberries. You put some in your mouth, realize that they are absolutely vile and spit them out again. To sum up the day you simply say 'Delightful!' and pass out - all this crazy random sh*t was just too much for you.
Hmmm, maybe I got a little carried away... I do apologize for wasting 10 minutes of your life :P
Yeah... you have to much free time.
ReplyDelete-L
maybe i do! :D
ReplyDelete...you have blogger???:O :P